Humor

Sardar in Paris...

2008-12-30T17:54:00.001-08:00

It could only have been a Sardar!!!
A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand
the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see
what he could find.
After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to
the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally
selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back
home in India.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub
and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very
beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him
something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the
chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi
& English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So,
after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a
napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it
her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took
another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and
she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a
small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he
took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the
cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady
took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed.
........ ............ ........ Would you believe it......!!!
Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out
that he was in the furniture business!!!! !

Meanings of your name" Just check out

2008-12-28T18:04:00.001-08:00

Instructions : What you do is find out what each letter of your name means.

Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. ( Is'nt it GREAT !!)

If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

For Example : EKTA

E = You are a very exciting person.

K = You like to try new things.

T = You have an attitude, a big one.

A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.

-------------

A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.

B = You are always cautious when it comes to meeting newpeople .

C = You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.

D = You have trouble trusting people.

E = You are a very exciting person.

F = Everyone loves you.

G = You have excellent ways of viewing people.

H = You are not judgmental.

I = You are always smiling and making others smile.

J = Jealously

K = You like to try new things.

L = Love is something you deeply believe in.

M = Success comes easily to you.

N = You like to work, but you always want a break.

O = You are very open-minded.

P = You are very friendly and understanding.

Q = You are a hypocrite.

R = You are a social butterfly.

S = You are very broad-minded.

T = You have an attitude, a big one.

U = You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.

V = You have a very good physique and looks.

W = You like your privacy.

X = You never let people tell you what to do.

Y = You cause a lot of trouble.

Z = You're always fighting with someone .

Funny full forms of Big Companies

2008-12-26T07:52:00.000-08:00

1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings

12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go

17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

20. MASTEK: Mad And Stupid Technitians Enroute to Kabaarkhana

21.PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques , No Increments

...a joke

2008-12-26T06:29:00.001-08:00

This Guy was traveling on a highway and took a stoppage to visit a
restroom . Following is the true conversion that happened.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I
don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!" At this point I am just trying
to get out as fast as

I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No……..I'm a little
busy right now!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously…

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

The Tomato Story

2008-12-25T00:52:00.001-08:00

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ...
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'

Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl, than a millionaire. .........

Graffitti 18+

2008-12-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

· Sex is Evil, Evil is sin, Sins are Forgiven, So Sex is In!	· Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.

· An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card	· Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!

· If necessity is the mother of invention, then… Frustration is the father of masturbation!	· Always marry a woman with small palms. It makes your dick look bigger !

· I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed.	· Just remember: No matter how hot & sexy a babe is, someone somewhere is tired of fuckin her!

· The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.	· Life without Friends is like Boobs without Nipples... POINTLESS !

· Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face.	· The importance of UNITY explained at it's best: What did one leg of a woman tell dthe other: UNITED we are saved, Divided we are Fucked.
· Old Proverb: A smile is a curve that makes everything straight. New Proverb: Boobs are curves that make something super straight...!	· Slogan on a boy's T-shirt: Please tell your boobs not to stare at my eyes.

· In life, never look down on anybody, unless you are getting a lovely view of the cleavage!	· The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

· When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the *** of reason goes unwiped.	· My wife and I finally became sexually compatible... We achieve simultaneous headaches.

· Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?	· Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand!

· Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.	· Fuck a girl & she'll love you... Love a girl & she'll fuck you!

· A hooker once told me she had a headache.	· Most men have split personalities; They hate cats but love pussies.
· Men give love to get sex, Women give sex to get love.	· Most men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

· A pussy is like a potato chip: You can't eat just one.	· Did God make you an asshole, or did you evolve?

· A hooker once told me she had a headache.	· Men play the game. Women know the score.

· Too much sex is not good for one but rather nice for two!	· A girl can be poor in history but great on dates!

· Women like to spoon in bed, whereas men just like to fork.	· Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand!

· Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?	· My wife and I finally became sexually compatible...We achieve simultaneous headaches.
· When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.	· Nature invented sex as a reward for letting go of childhood.

· The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.	· Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.

· Money is just like arse... Everybody has it, but nobody wants to give it !	· Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

· Height of conceit : Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.	· My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.

· 9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men.	· Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time

· Money is jst like arse... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it !	· Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.
· Educatuon is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.	· Work is like a gangbang, ten people are behind ur ass 2 take ur place.

· Fate is like getting raped, if u can't fight it learn to njoy it.	· Success is like masturbation, only ur own hand can let u acheive it.

· Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough	· I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed

· Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?	· I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight

· You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me	· All those who proclaim that dog is man's best friend, have evidently not played with a pussy.

· Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction	· Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
· Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring	· Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.

· An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card	· Go braless: it'll pull the wrinkles out of your face

· The irony of a blow job is that even if you have her at your feet she's got you by the balls.	· I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that

· Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard	· You know it's always business doing pleasure with you

· I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush	· The only loss that causes sense of achievement is Virginity.

· A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it	· I guess you could call me a polygamist.Sometimes I switch hands.
· Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.	· Make love not war because Condoms are cheaper than Guns!

· Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.	· Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.

· Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.	· Definition of will power: Looking into the eyes of a topless waitress!

· It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl	· One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache.

· I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.	· There is a tax on sex... it's called 'children'.

· Happiness is like penis; always looks small if you hold it in your hands but when you learn to share it, you'll realize how big & precious it is!	· Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
· girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receives love. Who opens her legs receives HAPPENIS.	· Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

· Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.	· New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

· Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks.	· Go on. Add some variety to your sex life...Use the other hand!

· I'm so horny, I get aroused when I squeeze into a tight parking place.	· College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

· Honeymoon Salad: Lettuce alone, with no dressing.	· Text msgs are like a blow job from an amateur prostitute......short sweet and cheap!

· I think I've reached my sexpiration date.	· Men are like bagpipes... you won`t get anywhere unless you blow them first!
· My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier.	· I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes.

· Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.	· Do a mouse a favour... Eat a Pussy!

· When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play with boys!	· Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

· If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.	· Text messaging is like a blowjob off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!

· When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play with boys!	· If you are being raped and you cannot defend yourself... keep still and enjoy it!

· Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it!	· Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

Some TIPS for arranged marriage _ Pls take it as fun nothing Serious

2008-12-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

Arranged marriage

There are times in a person's life when he needs to take crucial decisions on his own. Marriage is one of them. Believe me, the decision on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in his life. After marriage, your wife is the most important person in your life. She can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very frightening.

Some of the questions that crop up are –

· What sort of a girl do I marry?

· Will she adjust in my family?

· How can I decide on a girl by just meeting her for a few times?

· When should I get married?

· This is my life. So, I should choose the girl I marry, but then what if I make a mistake?

…. so on and so forth…

I will try to address these & many more questions in the following sections.

The Nine Rules of Arranged marriage

· Rule 1 – Magic no. 28

In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at the age of 18. By the time she graduates, goes for her post graduation and/ or works for 1-2 years, she will be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5 years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she would meet many smart guys at college or during her first few years on job. So, in all probability it would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24 yrs. Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of pressure on the girl's to get married by the time they become 24-25.

Statistics says that there is a generation gap after every 5 years. So, in such scenario, one would prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4 years younger to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a guy to get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage, the better it is.

Well, as we all know, in the current market scenario, there will never be stability in our career. So, I believe there is no such thing as, "I will marry when I settle down".

· Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls

At times you hear statements like, "I am not getting the right match, I will look after 3 months, I will find a better match then". Well the truth is otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a match is fixed. From this subset, there would be girls who would get married & there would be new girls added who would be looking for a match. The net result is that at any given time, the variety & number of marriage-able girls are fixed.

· Rule 3 – Competition for girls

Like all other facets of life, there is lot of competition for good girls. In my own case, I was rejected by girls. So, if you are looking for a girl who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just think again. There are other guys who are also looking for similar girls & probably they are better off than you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given a choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai, but then for all Ashs in the world, there are many Salman Khans who also want to marry them. So, set your expectations accordingly.

· Rule 4 -- Understanding girls

You would have met a lot of people during your life. As we all know, its difficult to judge a person based on a few meetings. I am sure you would agree with me that in case of girls it is even more difficult to understand them in a few meetings. I am still trying to understand my wife… ;-).. Understanding your spouse is a life long assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on a few meeting? This is where you need to take the help of your parents/ friends & latest technologies like email/ chat to choose your girl.

· Rule 5 – Society expectation

The selection process is tough on every one who is involved in the process. In arranged marriage, involvement of family & society is pretty high. You can't meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It is bad for her future. So, you should have a good short-listing criterion. Meet only a few girls & be sure what you are looking for. It is for the benefit of everyone involved.

· Rule 6 -- Marriage between equals

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you also marry into the girl's family. In arranged marriages, family support plays a major role in ensuring a successful marriage. This is where the compatibility of social status, family values & caste/ religion plays a major role. Its important to note that in case there is a perfect match between the two families, the marriage is destined to succeed.

· Rule 6 – Know yourself

Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you first marry a person & then fall in love. So, it's very important that you do a self-assessment on the kind of person you would love. They say, "Opposite attract", while they also say, "Bird of same feather flock together". So, you take a call on what sort of person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down the kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say, she should ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style of Monica, the voice of Sheena, the patience of Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect girl, but then you would have a good idea of what you are looking for.. The secret here is to set some minimum criteria for selection. Don't forget rule no.3 here.

· Rule 7 -- Girl's Beauty

A girl's looks attract, but then no one wants to end up marrying a dumb blonde. It is like buying your bike. When you initially buy it, you are crazy about the looks, but later on you love it for its reliability, fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly, a girl's looks are important, but then it should not be the most important criteria. Later on it life, you will get bored of her looks. It is then that her personality & behavior will make all the difference to your marriage. I am sure your parents will be able to advice you a lot better on this topic.

· Rule 8 -- Taking advice

As I have mentioned in the next rule, it's very important that the final decision on whom to marry must necessarily be yours. However, don't do the mistake of isolating yourself from the world while planning your marriage. Discuss with your parents & very close friends on this issue. They are your well wishers. Secondly, in such important matters its necessary that you analyze all possibilities. Remember, I am not suggesting that you follow others' advice, but don't forget to take their advice.

· Rule 9 -- Own decision

All said & done, it's your marriage & your life that is at stake. Once you are married, you & your wife are the only persons who will be facing the music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things don't work out & you end up saying, "It's because of my friends or my parents that I married you", then your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl is of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for whatever happens. That's when the marriage works out perfectly. So, ensure that you marriage the girl of your choice.

How to approach the selection process?

From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process takes a minimum of 3 months. The whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:

· Definition phase -- Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking for in terms of education, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans. Remember the Rule 3 here.

· Lead Generation phase -- Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends, family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember the Rule 2 here.

· Short listing phase – Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting biodatas. The general process followed for correspondence is as follows:

· The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/ herself

· Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope

· The initiator then sends the requested information along with a request for similar information

· The receiver send similar information

· If the biodata is selected, it is passed over to the next phase

· Casual interaction phase – Based on shortlisting, about 7 to 10 biodatas are taken forwarded to this phase. The next step to follow here is to exchange email/ chat ids. The guy & the girl then interact for 10 – 15 days to try & judge mutual compatibility through email/ chat.

· Family interaction phase – Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are taken for consideration in this phase. During this phase, the parents get involved & check the background information about the families to find mutual compatibility.

· The dating phase – Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken forward to this phase. During this phase, the guy & the girl interact by going out alone for 2-3 times. The guy needs to prepare a set of simple questions like who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? He needs to use his judgment to analyze the girl based on her responses.

· The D-day phase – Finally, the D-day comes when the guy has to select the girl he wants to spend his life with. If the process if followed systematically, there will be no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life partner..

Finally, my dear friends, marriage is all about compromises. In spite of all the planning that you do, there are a lot of uncertainties in a marriage. In fact this is the best part about marriage. Just remember that the person you marry must be of your choice. In such case, there would be no going back for both of you.

A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in the age-old virtue,

"Never do anything to others that you don't like for yourse

US finance humor

2008-12-19T09:09:00.001-08:00

Some humor before the markets open!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam.
Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's

Elderly People Jokes

2008-12-19T08:53:00.001-08:00

An elderly gentlemen had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

------------ --------- --------- -------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

------------ --------- --------- -------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it
very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?'

------------ --------- --------- -------

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown.'

------------ --------- --------- -------

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so you don't forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries. '

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

------------ --------- --------- -------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

------------ --------- --------- -------

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

------------ --------- --------- -------

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

------------ --------- --------- -------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.''

------------ --------- --------- -------
One more !
------------ --------- --------- -------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

------------ --------- --------- -------

Like those? Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other
folks you know who could use a good laugh....... .

laughter

2008-12-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, Norman Cousins was diagnosed as terminally ill. He was given six months to live. His chance for recovery was one in 500.

He could see the worry, depression and anger in his life contributed to, and perhaps helped cause, his disease. He wondered, If illness can be caused by negativity, can wellness be created by positivity He decided to make an experiment of himself.

Laughing was one of the most positive activities he knew. He rented all the funny movies he could find - Keaton, Chaplin, Fields, the Marx Brothers. (This was before VCRs, so he had to rent the actual films.) He read funny stories. He asked his friends to call him whenever they said, heard or did something funny.

His pain was so great he could not sleep. Laughing for 10 solid minutes, he found, relieved the pain for several hours so he could sleep. He fully recovered from his illness and lived another 20 happy, healthy and productive years. (His journey is detailed in his book, Anatomy of an Illness.) He credits visualization, the love of his family and friends, and laughing for his recovery.

Some people think laughing is a waste of time. It is a luxury, they say, a frivolity, something to indulge in only every so often. Nothing could be further from the truth. Laughing is essential to our equilibrium, to our well-being, to our aliveness. If we're not well, laughing helps us get well; if we are well, laughing helps us stay that way.

Since Cousins' ground-breaking subjective work, scientific studies have shown that laughter has a curative effect on the body, the mind and the emotions. So, if you like laughing, consider it sound medical advice to indulge in it as often as you can. If you don't like laughter, then take your medicine - laugh anyway.

Use whatever makes you laugh - movies, sitcoms, Monty Python, records, books, New Yorker cartoons, jokes, friends.

Give yourself permission to laugh - long and loud and out loud - whenever anything strikes you as funny. The people around you may think you're strange, but sooner or later they'll join in even if they don't know what you're laughing about.

Some diseases may be contagious, but none is as contagious as the cure. . . laughter.

If Titanic was made in India

2008-12-12T09:46:00.001-08:00

1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship

2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain

3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"

4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip

5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson

6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

And last but not least

7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC

The Best 50 of Murphy's Law

2008-12-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

The Best 50 of Murphy's Law

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

***********

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

***********

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

***********

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

***********

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

***********

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

***********

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

***********

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

***********

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

***********

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

***********

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

***********

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

***********

All's well that ends.

***********

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

***********

The first myth of management is that it exists.

***********

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

***********

New systems generate new problems.

***********

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

***********

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

***********

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

***********

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

***********

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

***********

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

***********

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

***********

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

***********

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

***********

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

***********

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

***********

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

***********

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

***********

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

***********

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

***********

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

***********

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

***********

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

***********

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

***********

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday.

***********

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

***********

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

***********

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

***********

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

***********

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

***********

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

***********

When all else fails, read the instructions.

***********

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

***********

Everything that goes up must come down.

***********

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

***********

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

***********

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

***********

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

***********

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

Explanations............ (Good Jokes)

2008-12-10T08:50:00.001-08:00

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Non-veg Again - Not to miss

2008-12-06T03:48:00.000-08:00

Q : What's the difference between cricketers and condoms?

A: Cricketers drop the catches and condoms catches the drops.

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and a woman?

A: Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?

A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What's common between men and video?

A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward.... forward... stop and eject.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?

A: A teabag.

7 qualities to be a perfect wife:

Beautiful,

Responsible

Energetic

Adorable

Sweet

Truthful and

Self-Organized.

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

Q: Who is a gynecologist ?

A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?

A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?

Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?

The boy's hand......

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?

The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front"

Last but not least

Secret of long life...

Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs..

A small Report 2008

2008-12-04T06:48:00.001-08:00

A briefing 2008

1st blast.....Jaipur......13thMay......no blast in June

2nd blast.... Ahmedabad.....26thJuly.....no blast in August

3rd blast....Delhi......13thSep........no blast in Oct...

4th.........Mumbai......26thNov....

So far; as per order, possibly there won't b any blast in Dec...and next may be on 13thJan 2009....

and could be in a different city...

India, wake up, no more TAJ should be targeted !!!

Please pass it on

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

2008-12-03T06:02:00.000-08:00

* You can achieve a "Runn ers High" by sitting up.

* The Sun is too loud.

* Trees begin chasing you.

*You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can hear mimes.

* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

* Things becomes "Very Clear".

* You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can skip without a rope.

* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

* You can travel without moving.

* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

* You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

* Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of people you are talking to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dilbert's Words Of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanubutter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo!

Simple Prostate Exam

French Computers

2008-12-02T18:40:00.001-08:00

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Steep Lawyer

2008-12-01T18:29:00.000-08:00

A new client meets a famous lawyer.

Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?

Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!

Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?

Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

Point of View

2008-11-30T18:04:00.000-08:00

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50.

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense.

corporate world.........

2008-11-30T04:11:00.001-08:00

1) Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

And lastly...

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.

Smart dog A/C

2008-11-29T21:47:00.000-08:00

Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down
towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later,
and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four
ducks Flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all
of My hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to
his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and
Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick,
Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out
of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks
Are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a
Stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill
Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT.
That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could
fucking shake a stick at ."

27 One-Liners

2008-11-29T20:05:00.001-08:00

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Wonderful Slogans

2008-11-29T20:05:00.000-08:00

# Sign on a railway station at Patna :

Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay :

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother!

# Seen on a bulletin board:

Success is relative - More the success, more the relatives.

# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :

We need your heads to run our business.

# A traffic slogan:

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....

#THE BEST ONE :

It's God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations

It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."

- Indian Armed Forces -

Why Employees Hide Their Skills

2008-11-28T17:00:00.001-08:00

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man, "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

No, no, pleaded the dog. Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well.

see the guts of Indian Trainees...!!!!!!

2008-11-28T17:00:00.000-08:00

SEE THE GUTS
On a ship, the Project managers of three different companies belonging to 3 different
nations were traveling with their Trainee guys. They started an argument on whose Trainee
engineer had more guts.
The American PM called for one of his men and told him to jump off and take around swimming around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was commanded. The American PM boasted of by saying, "See the guts!" *
Now the German PM called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship.
The Trainee did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German PM said, "See the guts!" *
Now the Indian PM called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds.
The Trainee promptly replied, " Why the hell should I ? ? ? You do that "
The PM proudly said, ** "See the guts!" **

Gather all Information

2008-11-27T17:00:00.004-08:00

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the

first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could

speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a

big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful

vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chili sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

MORAL: Gather All Required Information Before Working On Any Project...

Beware the Perks after a Lousy Performance

2008-11-27T17:00:00.003-08:00

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him."

Explanations............ (Good Jokes)

2008-11-27T17:00:00.001-08:00

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Ticket Please

2008-11-26T17:14:00.000-08:00

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

How are you going to travel on a single ticket?. asked a lawyer.

Wait and watch,. answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the thre e engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived.

He knocked on the toilet door and asked, .Ticket please.. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket.

To their astonishment, the engineers didn.t buy any. .How are you going to travel without a ticket?. asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

Wait and watch,. answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby.

Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, .Ticket, please..

WHAT AN IDEA!

2008-11-26T06:39:00.000-08:00

20 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. It's obviously a good idea ..

21 Things to Do when a Tele Marketer Calls

2008-11-25T17:18:00.001-08:00

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.

14. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder... louder... louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

21. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

Jumping to Conclusions

2008-11-24T20:33:00.001-08:00

A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went.

Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"

True Grief

2008-11-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Do You Know Your Wife

2008-11-22T17:00:00.001-08:00

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in dozens of activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

A Different Set of Rules

2008-11-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlor regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

"That's nice," said the woman. "What about your son?"

"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlor, and makes them eat take-out meals!"

Doubts Unanswered

2008-11-21T20:12:00.000-08:00

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

3. What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4. If the 'black box' flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6. Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7. Why do people say, 'you've been working like a dog' when dogs just sit around all day? (did they mean something else)

8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

11. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)

12. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

14. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

15. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

16. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

17. Why is it called a 'building' when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

18. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

19. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (i don't have a chance to try)

20. Why is it called a TV set when there is only one? (very nice)

21. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

22. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

Auto Driver on the Global Crisis

2008-11-20T18:19:00.001-08:00

A conversation between Two Chennai auto drivers while attending the Gandhi Jayanthi celebrations of their auto drivers association. Peter and Gopal.

Peter: Enna Gopal, did you hear about Walltax Road?

Gopal: No. Enna aachu? Accidentaa? Which auto was involved?

Peter: No, no, nothing like that. Walltax road crashed last week.

Gopal: Appadiyaa? I did not have a savaari near that road last 10 days. Which building? Was it that building being built by that doobaakoor company? Or did the road break in the middle?

Peter: Nothing like that. This Walltax Road is in America.

Gopal: No, Peter. I have regular savaari of foreigners. In America you have one Salem, one Madras but no Walltax Road. There is only a Wall Street in America.

Peter: Yes, I am talking about Wall Street only. The latest news is it is re-named as Walltax Road. President Bush renamed it because it is built by taxing the Americans.

Gopal: Oh. Like that aa? How did it crash? One more Bin Laden plane?

Peter: No, that was in 2001. This time, banks collapsed.

Gopal: Oh! Like our Madras finance companies 10-15 years back?

Peter: No. no. Much bigger. The banks took money from people and gave it as loan to other people for buying land and houses but the borrowers did not return the money.

Gopal: Oh, like Anubhav Plantation. So did the Bank manager get arrested?

Peter: Illaypaa. (No, boss). When the borrowers did not repay, the bank took the loan papers and sold it to someone else.

Gopal: Aahaa. Ippo namma route-ikku nee vandhutae. (Now you are coming to my route). Madras Motor Finance and various companies take over by P.Rajarathinam maathri. Must be Political party benami money.

Peter: Noo daa. The bank sold the papers to some one foreign company.

Gopal: Seri, seri. (OK, OK). Like our Sivasankaran. Like TN Mercantile Bank shares or Aircell-Maxis?

Peter: Dei Gopal. Ippaddi interfere senjaa (if you interfere like this), how can I tell you the complete story?

Gopal: OK paa. I will keep quiet. You tell your story. Anyway we have to stand till Chief Guest comes.

Peter: See, these banks first took money from people and then lend the money to others to buy houses. Then they read a report that house prices willo go up. So, these banks first accumulated the loan pepers and sold them to another for a profit. With this extra money, they borrowed some more money and gave it to others to buy more houses. Only problem, since all wealthy people already owned houses, the banks started lending money to unemployed people to own houses even though their income was not sufficient to repay the loan.

Gopal: Sorry, baa. You mean like the olden days Loan Mela of Minister Poojary? You know, my uncles got themselves pachai kutthufied (tatooed) with 2 leaves and got Rs.1,000 loan during MGR time? They were able to drink for one whole month from Government Kallu (toddy) shops.

Peter: Yes, yes, like that only. The difference is instead of giving money for drinking, they gave much more money enough to buy houses. These people who took this easy money then went and bought houses at very high prices without negotiating and then used further top up loans to buy electronic gadgets and costly cars. All this, when they were not getting any income to repay.

Gopal: Oh ho. Like how we get flats allotted under Kudisai Maatru Vaarium (Housing Scheme for lower Income people) and then give it to other people on lease.

Peter: You could say something like that. Only, this was at much higher amounts. It is like you and me (auto drivers) getting a loan to buy 3-bed room flats in Poes Garden which we cannot repay even for watchman salary.

Gopal: Yebbaa. Super Star second ponnai, balcony-le irundhu site adikalaam innu solu. (You can ogle at the 2nd daughter of Super Star - English translation for Super Star is not necessary since he is very famous!)

Peter: Yes, yes. At least for 3-4 months. Anyway, after that, the only people who can afford those houses are Indramma (Indra Nooyi) or Kalaignar's children or Sashikala. So, the bank which gave you the money in the first place can only ask you to get out of the house but cannot find new buyers to recover the loan. This type of loans were sold by the banks like how they sell "sundal" in Marina beach.

Gopal: Namma Readymoney type innu sollu. kadan vaangittu thiruppi thara mudiyallai. (After taking loan, not able to repay). Then you must be ready to put Dindigul Lock and Escaping. Aennna (why because), they will send rowdies to beat you up and you have to do self-suicide like poor GV (film producer and elder brother of Director Mani Rathnam).

Peter: That is the case in India. But in America, No. American government is arranging Anticipatory Bail for these banks for $700 billions. Using this money, the government will buy all these vethuu loan (loans worth nothing) and save the banks.

Gopal: Namma Indian Bank case ! What is there, afterall government owns Indian Bank and so put money from left pocket to right pocket.

Peter: No. no, Gopal. These American Banks are privately owned. American Government is not the owner. Their owners are very wealthy people.

Gopal: Adda Kabali (Holy Kabali, an important temple and theatre in neighbouring Mylapore and Mandaveli respectively) . The American Government arranges Bail even for this? The American Government will buy loans which are as worthless as Sundal packing paper in the beach? That too for private banks? Tell me, will they buy my old, damaged Auto? I want to become an auto owner and not be just a driver for autos owned by policemen (In Chennai, it is common practice for police constables to buy autos using their 2nd income and give it to drivers like Peter and Gopal for everyday use). But where is the American government getting the money for this?

Peter: From common citizens who did not take loans to buy houses they cannot afford. That is why it is now called Walltax Road in America.

Gopal: They are idiots or what? If our government asks our citizens to pay for banks' mistakes, they will say "Aasai, Dosai, Appalam, Vadai" (Desire, fried flat rice crepes, papad, fried rice and lentil fritters - translation for an international audience) and go for a massive oor valam (procession) and strike led by Prakash Karat and Mamatha Banerjee. In turns Kalaignar and Amma will go on relay fast in Anna Samadhi. Plus, Anbhumani will ban Vetrilai Seeval (betal leaves used in lieu of chewing gum in South India) and protest separately. Peter, tell me, will it not make sense to let these banks go bankrupt? After all, the people who make mistakes must pay for them, right? If I do the same in my house, my Appan (father) will drive me out of the house and I have to "escape" to avoid seruppu adi (being beaten with slippers).

Peter: Adhudaan illai (that's what is not happening). In America, it is election year for President and also their Parliament. So they quickly extended their Parliament session and passed the legislation after some mid-night drama. Taking houses away from millions of people is not a good idea if you want their votes.

Gopal: Oh, like that aa?

Peter: That's not the only thing. These banks did some interesting transactions like our brothers in Burma Bazaar - like selling shares which they did not have and then buying them when the price varied, hoping to make a profit but ending with massive losses.

Gopal: Ada Mupaathama (an important female deity in West Mamballam, frequented by auto drivers!). You know Peter, what this sounds like?

Peter: What does it sound like?

Gopal: Gandhi kannakku (Gandhi accounting - cannot be translated further). Chief Guest has come. Let us put flowers on Gandhi statue and have breakfast.

Entry to HEAVEN

2008-11-20T03:38:00.001-08:00

Bunty died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Bunty thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"

The Bunty replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc....."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

Marriage

2008-11-19T18:45:00.004-08:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS

2008-11-19T18:45:00.003-08:00

Question and the Answer given by Candidates oh sorry, most of them are IAS Officers now.

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Q. How many buckets of water does Pacific Ocean contains?

A : It depends on the size of the bucket. (CA Institute Campus Interview Placement)

Interviewer said 'I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!' The boy thought for a while and said, 'my choice is one really difficult question.'

'Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. 'What comes first, Day or Night?'

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on his answer, but he thought for a while and said, 'It's the DAY sir!'

'How' the interviewer asked,

'Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!'

He was selected for IIM!

The Parachute Jump

2008-11-19T18:45:00.002-08:00

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure, "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary,"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane.

He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.

He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that darn truck won't be there either!"

The Secret of a Successful Marriage

2008-11-19T18:45:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: " Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: " We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?"

She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"

Husband: "That's it. We are happy ever after."

Did God Make You?

2008-11-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

Interesting Stuff

2008-11-16T09:13:00.001-08:00

i. In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

ii. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

iii. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

iv. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

v. Coca-Cola was originally green.

vi. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

vii. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

viii. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

ix. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

x. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar

xi. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

xii. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

xiii. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

xiv. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

xv. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

xvi. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

xvii. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

xviii. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

xix. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

xx. It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

xxi. Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

xxii. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Wrong Mail Id

2008-11-16T09:13:00.000-08:00

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we
are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to see you TOMORROW!

Short Story

2008-11-15T00:03:00.001-08:00

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were:

The short story must contain the following three components:

(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story.

Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

Narrate it for your husband

2008-11-14T08:49:00.001-08:00

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Day Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally, Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. '
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!

34 Unknown Facts

2008-11-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.

2 The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper

3. The dot over the letter 'I' is called a 'tittle'.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from th e sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multitasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.

You KNOW you are living in 2008 when.

2008-11-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5.. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Female Point System (just for fun)

2008-11-10T18:15:00.001-08:00

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) , In the rain (+8)But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy

(-2)

Named Rita (-4)

Rita is a dancer (-6)

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the

colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans(-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, 'Where?' (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks

like a concerned __ex-pression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the poor fellows for info & to the gals for a good laugh !

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

2008-11-06T09:22:00.001-08:00

Trust me try this, it takes only a few seconds.

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Three envelopes

2008-11-05T09:03:00.001-08:00

An Ode to the Tanking Economy...

A man had just been hired as the new managing director of a large high tech London-based corporation.

The previous managing director who was stepping down, met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but three months later, sales took a downturn and the new MD was really catching a lot of heat. It was then that he remembered the three envelopes.

He went to his drawer and took out the first one. The message read, "Blame your predecessor. "

The new MD called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous MD.

Satisfied with his comments, the press and the city responded positively. Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

However, a mere three months later, the company was again experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product difficulties. Remembering the envelopes, the MD opened the second one. The message read, "Reorganize. " This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After two consecutive profitable quarters, the company again fell on difficult times. The MD went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Killing English in a New Way ( Jokes )

2008-10-31T20:26:00.001-07:00

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? "

Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

Don't..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

Teacher in a furious mood... Write down ur name and father of ur name!!

Love Humor? Join our Group Funzug!

"shhh... Quiet... The principal is revolving around college"

My manager started like this "Hi, I am Pinky, Married with two kids"

"I'll illustrate what I have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

"will u hang that calender or else I'll HANG MYSELF"

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us.... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!"

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Truth OF LIFE

2008-10-30T02:05:00.001-07:00

Woman

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think. What must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day!

Bill Gates After Death !!!!

2008-10-27T07:01:00.001-07:00

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.

"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked
"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"

Daddy

2008-10-27T07:00:00.001-07:00

HOW A SON/DAUGHTER THINKS OF HIS/HER DADDY AT DIFFERENT AGES:

At 4 Years
My daddy is great.

At 6 Years
My daddy knows everybody.

At 10 Years
My daddy is good but is short tempered

At 12 Years
My daddy was very nice to me when I was young.

At 14 Years
My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years
My daddy is not in line with the current times.

At 18 Years
My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years
Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how Mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years
Daddy is objecting to everything.

At 30 Years
It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years
Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. Even I should do the same.

At 45 Years
I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.

At 50 Years
My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years
My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us. He is one of his kind and unique.

At 60 Years
My daddy is great.

Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st. stage. Realize the true value of your parents before its too late

Girls.....must read...........

2008-10-27T06:59:00.001-07:00

Giving Up Wine
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Chinese to Chinese>>>>>>>

2008-10-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator...

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is
being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the
hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree….

Marriage Proposal

2008-10-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. ABCDEFGHI,

Baby, I 'v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train
platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For
long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can
be a real debugger for me now.
My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never
produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only
beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.
Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives
power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you
looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running
smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before
*/.
With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we
linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary
for a human being to live an error free life.
Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by
our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately
break their security

passwords and make them agree for our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database
so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this
happened to me,I will crash my system beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all
privileges of your inbox.

Only yours,
XYZ Software Professional